waiting for my heart to catch up
Feeling ugly, feeling bad, feeling all kinds of sad. Which is odd, because recently, things have been relatively good. And I can hear my priest in my head now. Something about the kind of happiness that's fleeting; that true and lasting happiness comes from God instead. And... I want to believe that, I really do.
I want to believe I can be happy here. I've put myself in front of the tabernacle when I never have before, unsure and hesitant. I pray in front of Him and I talk to Him, laying out worries and doubts and wishes and people who needs prayers and wars that I want to stop and I... Feel nothing.
I don't know if I'm doing any of this right. I cried to a stranger, "I don't know if my heart is in the right place," and in response I got reassurance and the Nicene Creed to pray. I did it. But I still feel like I'm waiting for my heart to catch up to what my mind knows is better for me. But does my mind really know better? No matter how many times I try to correct my thoughts, they never seem real. We can't choose to believe something, you have to be convinced on some level. Just like how you can't choose who you fall in love with, it just happens.
So how can I love God more? Is this unbelief? Or simply a lack of feeling? Am I doing this out of fear of hell? Or am I using this as an escape? I hate myself and my self-centered suffering. If, for once, I could fixate on something other than my own disgustingly fragile ego, I'm convinced I could be happy. If I had something bigger to live for, rather than chasing my own whims, maybe life would be worth living. But is wanting that in itself, self-centered? I could be overthinking it, as I do with many things.
Maybe I need to pray more. Maybe I'm just impatient. Maybe I'm just not built for this.
And I know the atheists/agnostics/non-Catholics out there who are reading this are probably thinking, "Well, you know, you don't have to be Catholic." And they would be right. We don't have to do anything in this world, but we do have to live with the consequences of our actions or inaction. What does that mean for me? I don't know quite yet.